Toutatis Review

With our serial attendance of Disneyland Paris, a detour to for Toutatis was inevitable. There was groveling (what if I told you that the worst person you’ve ever met is actually every single person at Parc Astérix? Not the staff though. The staff are great). Despite this, we nevertheless set sail for France’s new Intamin booty.

The Intamin is nestled among the undergrowth of La Trace du Hourrah, Astérix’s towering, dirtpath-themed Mack Bobsled. Shooting infrastructural gaps intended for service arteries allowed Toutatis to weave with its neighboring coaster, their proximity to each other no small part of the Intamin’s charm. “Festival Toutatis” is appropriately Gaulish. There’s lot of play equipment for hyper children. The scenery is pleasant. The topography is varied. There’s a Zamperla “NebulaZ” because of course there is.

Image: Parc Astérix. We didn’t bring our camera because bringing anything valuable to Parc Astérix is literally a terrible idea.

Toutatis is not worth waiting three hours for. This does not stop the public from waiting three hours for Toutatis. Fortunately it’s a €10 fix (!), and the park’s “Filotomatix” quick queue system accommodates row requests. The station is cute and festooned with LED chaser lights embedded in the rockwork. A valet bag storage option is available for free (but based on the item profile we heard guests giving on the exit ramp, the likelihood of your personal belongings being stolen at Parc Astérix is still alive and well. We only brought phones, cash, IDs, and a room key. Not today Satan).

Toutatis has an innocently meandering first act, with a Shilcke-esque stall and some off-axis hills to bide the time before the ride’s most domineering quality: the swing launch. Disclaimer: we have not ridden Pantheon. We’ve been busy. Also, Williamsburg is annoying to get to by plane. Er go, Toutatis’s speed bump swing thing is the moment and the era for us. Subconsciously knowing it was coming was not enough to actually anticipate the kidney-busting airtime on the back swing. Our first ride was in the last row, which is a must – the vertical spike insists. Once you finally crest the tophat, Toutatis continues in the sort of way that Velocicoaster expectations would predict: swishy bits, a turnaround with airtime, a lengthy stall, a speed-killing wave turn, a variation on the Mosasaurus roll, two airtime hills, le fin.

Image: Intamin

A front seat ride is not without its charms, but this is a back seat ride. Overall there’s not much we would change. There could always be more trees. There could always be lockers. We don’t, however, have to wish Toutatis was at a more hospitable park because Parque Warner took care of that for us. Is it our favorite coaster in France? No. Is it our favorite coaster at Parc Astérix? Still no. Is it probably, objectively, the best coaster at Parc Asterix? Again, no (sorry – Oz’Iris bows to no one). But is it better than Velocicoaster? I don’t know. Sean and I are still arguing about it.

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